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The 10 Commandments Of Marriage (Reality Version)

It’s the time of year when love is in the air and marriages are most likely to begin. For every beginning, there is always an ending. My job, to make sure your ending comes with your final Earthly departure and not ugly crying across the polished table of a heartless divorce attorney’s conference room. Therefore I present to you, The 10 Commandments of Marriage (Reality Version)


VLOGTOWSKI via YouTube
VLOGTOWSKI via YouTube

1

Thou Shalt Not Cry for Unrighteous Reasons

 

 

The death of a family member, a pet, or a traumatic occurrence is a good reason for tears. The ending of a Netflix Series, a sale a Penny’s, or an unexplained stain on the bedroom rug need not be reasons for tears. Save those tears for when they are actually needed. Using them without proper justification only diminishes their importance.

 

2

Ye Too Are Capable Of Taking Out Trash

 

 

It’s never a good idea to mix science and theology but in this case, we must. A trash container can only hold so much refuse. Despite your pushing, shoving, and forcing more into the bin it must eventually be taken to the outside container. This is best accomplished without a three-story tower of empty water bottles, milk jugs, and empty Oreo packs. No matter how far you can shove it down in there it must still be taken outside.

 

3

Thou Shall Not Keep Score

 

 

Marriage is a partnership, not a competition.  It is best to divide and conquer as opposed to divide and subtract and then run an algorithm of equality. Let’s face it, not all chores, purchases, demands on time, or other related activities are equal.  Each partner deserves to have their choices heard and affirmed as much as the next partner.

 

gpointstudio/ThinkStock
gpointstudio/ThinkStock

4

To Not Know is Actually Divine

 

 

Often time’s one spouse will ask the other a question. The queried spouse will respond with the phrase “I Don’t Know”. It is entirely possible that “I don’t know” is actually the best answer that spouse can give. Chances are they really do not know the answer.  Learn to accept that your spouse believes that an admission of ignorance today is better than the never ending reminder of how “it was their suggestion” for the next forty years.

 

Woman looking for something to wear in closet
Big Cheese Photo, ThinkStock

5

Thine Relationship Is not 50/50 When It Comes to Closets

 

 

The storage space for your clothes, shoes, and other fashions will not be divided equally. If the Red Sea was a closet then Moses would not have split it down the middle. There would have been one side that is much larger and encroached onto the other side. That bigger side would have contained prom dresses from 20 years ago, shoes that have never been worn, and a myriad of fashions with the tags still intact.

 

Couple Arguing
Catherine Yeulet, ThinkStock

6

Keep Thine List as Thine Own

 

 

Just because you have a list of things you believe need to be accomplished doesn’t mean that I have a list of things that need to be accomplished. True, a wise couple will confer and aggregate a list that will yield the most desirable results for the greater good. But forcing the contents of a personal list on your spouse will only lead to discourse.

 

Justin Theroux shirtless Sex and the City
HBO

7

Ye Shall Not Discuss Household Budgets, Work Issues, or Problems with Parents Right Before Sex

 

 

Nothing deflates the spontaneity balloon faster than that an indepth discussion of car insurance right before coitus. The only subject that should be entertained during a time of intimacy should be intimacy itself. Do not allow this time of captured audience turn into a board meeting about the status of the relationship and its shareholders.

 

Scott Halleran/Getty Images
Scott Halleran/Getty Images

8

Thou Shalt Never Dispense Passive Aggressive Fashion Reflection

 

 

Have you ever heard or used the phrase, “You’re not going to wear that are you”? That’s passive aggressive and it’s wrong. If you don’t like an article of clothing or accessory choice just speak up.  Believe it or not, there are times when a Hawaiian shirt is not appropriate. I don’t know those times but I hear there are those times.

 

Dirty Laundry
Staff Photo

9

Do Thy Laundry As If It Were Thine Own

 

 

Many males have no idea what a delicate cycle is for on a washing machine. We also feel no need to separate colors, whites, khakis, blacks, or even gym clothes from any of the other dirty clothes. The clothes are dirty, they need to be introduced to soap and water. If your clothes require special care then you do them.

 

Ezra Shaw, Getty Images
Ezra Shaw, Getty Images

10

There Shall Be No Plans Confirmed Without Full Disclosure

 

 

It’s funny how a “cookout” can blossom into a baby shower by the time you arrive as a couple. It is also just as easy for a visit from an old college roommate to turn into a drunken afternoon of screaming at a football game on TV. Be honest, be real, it’s easier to face it on the front end than the never ending badgering on the back end.

 

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